A List on Mortality
a birds and the bees slant
1. Earlier this week I grieved the death of a stranger several states away. My eyes read her life story in a series of photos taken of photos on a Facebook post. The caption was raw and tender. It made me cry. I wondered how deep of a hole would be left in my heart when the people I’ve loved all my life are no longer here.
2. For days leading up to Monday, Lucas would ask shortly after waking: “Is Joey going to die today?” The innocent inquiry of a little boy at 6 confused by time and existentialism stung to hear. Arrangements were being made, a 4 foot hole was dug by the tree line, special treats of cheese and bacon and steamed rice were offered this beloved family dog in grand spoiling gestures.
The evenings were spent simply, in quiet cuddles with her, where for a moment, the hours stood still.
3. The flap of a raven’s wings is astounding. I heard it for the first time while sitting under the trio of pines in front of my house the other afternoon. Beyond the branches, I noticed the chem trail grids expanding into unnatural cloud forms. Thunder-clapping, the bird’s flight cut sharp into the silence. Like a snap of fingers, it was as if to say, “Hey, pay attention!”
4. Yesterday we sat in the waiting area of a funeral home. Preplanning preparations since 1996, my mother negotiated a shift from cremation to burial and deliberated between Copper Shine or Calm Grey as casket color options. I scanned the room: comfy sofa, neutral palette, natural light. They got the design memo on how to ease an activated nervous system in a place like this. The wall across mounted urns and coffins in neat rows and I played a little game: if I had to choose mine right now, which would I pick to hold a lifeless me? I looked at the full Monstera growing happily in the window corner under the sunlight.
That one, decidedly.
5. After lunch, I went on a scroll stroll. An arial view captured the scene..entire neighborhoods reduced to rock and rubble. I imagined the hum above droning eerily in a vast, empty sky. I put my phone down realizing: There will be no birdsong in that place for years to come.
6. This morning I listened to a YouTube video called Do Animals Have Souls? America’s famous psychic, Edward Cayce shared several readings from 1932 that concluded yes, they not only have souls but follow their own journey of love and service. I was glad to hear it and immediately thought of my childhood dog, Dean. Loyal, patient, and playful, he taught us these virtues. At 9, I watched the horror of him getting hit by a car. Our neighbor scooped me up and took me indoors while my father managed the shocking moment. It wasn’t until decades later that I recognized Dean’s sacrifice: to teach me the lesson of love and loss.
7. On my afternoon walk, I caught sight of two black birds ahead in the middle of the road. A bike sped past and they stayed put, undeterred. Their heads pulled back and forth in rhythm and at closer glance, I could see their beaks tugging on the insides of a small, furry carcass flattened before them. Averting my eyes, I locked onto the white blooms of the apple tree humming with the buzz of happy bees. I shuffled quickly by it and the mid day feast, inspired and sickened all at once.